LeBron's Lament (to be sung to the tune of O Fortuna)

O Cleveland, O-H-I-O,
I must spill my guts to you.
I have no peace,
It will not cease,
I was a complete jackass.
Went on TV,
Glorified me,
"Do you still chew your fingers?"
Then I did the unthinkable;
Took my talents to South Beach
To play with Chris Bosh and Dwyane Wade.
We called ourselves a dream team.
Yes there was smoke, and lasers too.
It looked just like pro wrestling!
Still did not win a stinkin' ring;
It was an epic failure!
Yet they loved us;
They worshiped us
Like we were kings of the world.
But Wade can't stay at all healthy,
And Chris Bosh looks like RuPaul.
To our dismay, Riley won't coach
So we're stuck with that doofus!
And now I'm stuck in quite a spot,
Turns out I do miss Cleveland.
Kyrie, Tristan and Varejao
Would be much better teammates!!!

Thrown out of the TGI Friday's

She said "You have the prettiest green eyes. A girl could stare in them all day." "Thanks" I said, "I like yours too." She said "And you smell so great. Like a real man, not like the other men I know." "You smell wonderful too, sweetheart", I replied. She leaned over and kissed me, made my toes curl up.

After a moment's silence, she said "You know, I've always liked the look of a full moon in the winter months." What an odd thing to say, I thought. But she seemed nice enough, so I thought I'd grant her wish. All of the sudden, this big fella came out of nowhere, started yellin' at me. And that's when I got thrown out of the TGI Friday's."Well, you hired her!" I yelled back as I left. I didn't even get my Jack Daniels Flat Iron or nothin'. Sheesh, women these days...

...it's a joke, people!